tiredWhen I got married Jewishly, I wanted something to be different from the days before (when I was only legally married). So I started experimenting with hair covering. At first, I covered every bit of hair as much as possible, tying my hair up in scarves during the summer and wearing huge hats that caught the contours of my hair in the winter.
Trouble was, aside from the fierce headaches it gave me, I started to feel a lot less like *me* under all that. My hair has always been a big deal in my family -- we're all blondes, and grow it out long, and sometimes braid our hair together in a silly way. Hair is a big deal. And my mother got really sad, after a while, noticing that she never saw my hair anymore because anytime I saw her, it was a social event, and usually not in my own home.
So I started covering less hair. I figured, I had begun the whole thing by explicitly saying to myself and to G-d, "y'know, I'm not sure I'm obligated to do this, I'm not sure it will work for me, and I don't want to commit to doing it for the rest of my life." I had read Hide & Seek by Lynne Schreiber (which I highly recommend, btw, it gave a wide range of viewpoints). I knew there were lots of different opinions out there, including some Orthodox women in my local Jewish community who adamantly won't cover their hair except for shul because their mothers didn't cover their hair and therefore it would be implying their mothers behaved improperly to do so in this generation.
I spent the first year of my marriage covering as much hair as possible, and hating it. My hair grew in darker, which I hated, and it gave me headaches. I spent the next year+ covering at least *some* of my hair, but purposefully not covering all of it. I wore less large hats, smaller scarves, the occasional bandana.
Now, two+ years in, I've been experimenting with not covering my hair when I'm in the house (and not praying). It feels better. My vanity says I want to go outside and soak some sun back into my blonde hair (which has turned sadly mousier in the past couple of years). I haven't done it yet, but I'm seriously considering it.
I think I mostly still have vanity saying I want to stop covering my hair. But I also do believe that the way folks have developed stringencies over minchagim is really ludicrous.
For example: Ever read the All of a Kind Family books, about an American Orthodox family during the 1920s or so? There are a number of events in those books that are considered untzniustic or not-observant-enough by today's O standards. Which go by in the book without comment -- I only noticed as they were reasonably in line with C practice, and these book were given to me by my O ex-boyfriend. Compared to the blatantly-Jewish-proselytizing books of Miriam L. Elias (And Then There Were Four and Try For A Dream are the ones I've read) ... it's just remarkable how obsessed with ritual, chumrah, and minchag those books are.
That's a tangent. Heck, most of this post is built on tangents, because I'm still floundering, still trying to find my way, and it's hard going.
I think that most married Jewish women 50 years ago didn't cover their hair except in shul, and I'm thinking of going by that standard for a while to see if it makes me happier. I hate feeling trapped by my Judaism. I feel like many O Jews will tell me that it's not about what I want or feel, it's about what G-d has decreed. But I hardly see G-d as having given a clear decree on most subjects. Certainly not this subject.
And, after all, I'm the one who's practicing this Judaism. As with all other things, I'm the one who has to make my peace with it and answer to G-d in the end.